someone threw a dead crab at me
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
