Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
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I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
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There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
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