Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
