Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
