I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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