Got a toothbrush?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
