That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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