theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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