Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
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