too bad you live with your parents still
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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