Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
