Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
