I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Randomize
