Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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