It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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