I murdered the dance floor call the cops
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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