im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
