Michael Bay diarrhea
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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