I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
