we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week š
We have started to decorate penises.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Nothing says āI spent too much in Vegasā quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
The economy isnāt reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Got any extra dick over there? Iām running low
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
