sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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