I heard we made out
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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