Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
