I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
