All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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