do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
