I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
