She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
