I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
