Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
