you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
