I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
