they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
