Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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