loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
