Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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