i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
