trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
wow bdsm is so cute
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