I'm sorry my penis didn't work
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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