Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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