He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
