How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
