On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
