dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
