Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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