Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
