Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize