dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
