I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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