Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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