and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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