Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
