just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing