quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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