I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
