every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
