Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
