I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
