You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just found a bag of teeth...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
