His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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