My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
