Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
