I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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